Positive.

I've had a wonderfully freeing week, and I think the majority of that freedom has resulted from my decision to allow God to remove the chip from my shoulder. It seems so easy sometimes to hold onto hurt, to constantly remind ourselves of the pain inflicted on us by another, and to allow that memory to color our present relationship with that person.

In reality, it's not easy to live like that.

And honestly, it's not really easy to choose to release that grudge to God, either. But it sure is freeing.

And a bit confusing.

While I have always tried my best to be cordial whenever interacting with my ex-husband, I've changed my attitude this week and have worked on being positive. Sometimes I even find myself bordering on friendly. Let me be honest here: by no means do I go out of my way to talk to him. And if this situation were a little different--if there were no children involved--I would probably be doing everything I could to stay as far away from him as possible. But, thankfully, there are children involved, and so the bottom line is that, at most, I pretty much have to see him 2-3 times a week. And so (I think) I've decided to make the best of it.

Right now, making the best of it consists of greeting him in our driveway when he returns the kids and, after loving on my babies, asking about their day, listening to the things he chooses to share with me about his current life, talking a little about the silly things the kids do and say, and attempting to refrain from making any negative comments. It takes about ten minutes.

And it's so much easier than being angry on the inside.

Even though emotions still run close to the surface for me, I'm learning how to guard my heart when it comes to my relationship with him, and it's made all the difference in the world. Simple (and sad) things, like not expecting him to be completely honest with me, have helped. That doesn't, of course, mean that I think it's okay to be dishonest, but it does mean that I have started to put this relationship into perspective.

Here's where it gets tricky, though: I don't want him to take my friendliness as an indication that I think divorce was the right decision. I don't want my positive attitude to be misconstrued as acceptance of the situation. And I don't want to get in the position where I find myself interacting with him in a positive manner because I think it will bring him home.

The truth is, sometimes I do want him to come home. Sometimes, though, I can't wait to meet somebody new. A lot of the time, I look into his eyes and see a stranger staring back at me. Talk about surreal. And all of the time, I want to act and speak lovingly, out of the overflow of my heart, while also guarding that baby with everything I've got.

And, even though I keep it to myself, there are times when I just want to make sure he knows he made the wrong decision.

I feel confident in saying that, right now, it's not my place to point out his mistakes.

Relinquishing control to God also means learning to trust Him, even when it doesn't make sense. And it doesn't make sense, at least not to me, to act as friendly and caring around my ex-husband as I have this past week. It feels a little like he's off the hook for his decisions way too easily.

It also doesn't make sense, though, for God to sacrifice His one and only Son for me; especially when I hurt and reject and disappoint Him on a daily basis. Talk about getting off easy.

Except that the crucifixion wasn't easy. It was death.

And perhaps this, my choice to be positive, is just a little taste of what it might be like to die to my own wants and desires. Perhaps this is what it might feel like to die to myself, so that Christ might live in me.

Even though it hurts a little, it really is freeing.