Responsibility, Accountability, and Forgiveness.

Every time I relay the story of the past ten months of my life, no matter how few or how many details I give, I always make it a point to mention the fact that I know there were (and are) so many things I need to work on when it comes to relationships. There are, more specifically, so many things I need to work on when it comes to marriage relationships, and there are so many mistakes, bad decisions, careless words, sins that I need to own up to in my interactions with my husband.

Not an easy thing to do. Especially when the response I most often get after telling my story--from very well-meaning people, mind you--is, "Don't beat yourself up. We all have things we need to work on when it comes to relationships." And I know that's true. After all, I believe that we all fall short of the glory of God, and that there is not one of us, apart from Jesus, without sin.

And no matter how squarely I put the decision to divorce on the shoulders of my ex-husband, I do not believe that I am a "victim" in this particular situation. Let me be clear: I did not make the decision to divorce. I did not file, I did not want him to file. I made it absolutely apparent that I was willing to do whatever it took to uphold my commitment to him, and I did everything I knew how to do to save my marriage. And oh, how easy it would be if that's where everything ended.

But it's only where things get complicated.

Because I know, no matter how things look to the outsider, what things I did and didn't do in my marriage, and I am well aware of the part I played in his final decision. I also know, though, that by admitting my mistakes to him, to myself, and to my God, and that by asking forgiveness and earnestly seeking repentance, I have begun to make steps in the healing process.

I believe this, and it has messed me up in such a good way: "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives ."

Like I said before, it is so difficult to admit that the situation I'm dealing with is, in part, a consequence of my own sin. Let me be clear: I do not believe that God is punishing me for poor choices. I do not believe that divorce or my husband having an emotional affair with another woman was ever in God's plan for my life. I do not and will not ever admit to choosing/wanting/initiating this divorce, because I know that's not a choice I made. I do believe, though, that I'm not perfect. I do believe, without a doubt, that during my almost eight-year marriage I said and did many things that were not loving toward my husband and that also did not bring glory to God, and I need to take responsibility for those actions and the consequences that resulted because of the choices I made.

I also believe, though--and praise God!--that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and will not only forgive us, but will also purify us from all unrighteousness.

And that's exactly what I want for my life.

So while it seems so much easier to play the victim, and while it seems so much easier to just let everyone think it's all his fault, I simply can't do that. I long to live in truth. I long to be forgiven and cleansed. I long to be made whole. And His Word tells me that the only way to do that is to confess.

And so I have, and it's been freeing. Amazingly, and by the grace of God, I am learning how to take responsiblity for the choices and decisions I made while at the same time separating myself from the choices and decisions he made. And that, friends, is called healthy.

I am so thankful for the Word of God in my life. I am thankful for the way it speaks to me, comforts me, and challenges me. I am thankful for the way it cuts me to the core, stretches me, and replays itself over and over again in my heart and mind.

I am thankful for the way it reveals my sin, and I am thankful for the forgiveness and healing it promises.

I am thankful for all that I have learned, and for the ways in which I have grown during this season of my life. I am praying, even now, that I'll have another chance to do this marriage thing right. I am praying for the opportunity to be a wife that brings glory to God through the way she loves her husband.

And I'm praying that God would continue to refine me, no matter how painful the process seems.