Unanswered.

When he's in bed at night, and all is quiet around him, does he miss me?
Does he ever regret the decision he's made?
When did he stop loving me? Has he stopped loving me?
What is it that made him stop talking to me? That made him stop trusting me, stop sharing his life with me?
Does he ever find himself suffocated with memories from our previous life?
How often do they talk? What does he share with her? Has he introduced her to his friends?
How does he push aside the anguish of not being with his children and press on? How is it possible for him to have no contact with these sweet babies for a week at a time? How does he handle that grief?
And what is it about me, about our marriage, that would make living apart from his kids worth it?

How will I, when that time comes, get through a week without seeing my babies?
And what happens if, ten years from now, one of them says, "I want to live with my Dad?"

Did it all mean nothing to him? Was it really that easy to throw away?

Does he have any idea how much his actions have hurt my heart?

Will another man, who is not the father of my children, appreciate the stretch marks left on my abdomen?

Is there a man out there who'll want to be a part of this crazy life of mine? A man who will laugh when my dog passes gas that literally makes you have to leave the room? A man who will meet my loud, loving, close-knit family and not run away? A man with the patience to play trains for the millionth time with a child who doesn't share any of his DNA? A man who will recognize that I sweat simply because I breathe and love me anyway? A man who will realize that I don't cook well and I don't know a lot about fashion and I'm not the best interior decorator but I love to read and I love to eat and I love watching movies and I am loud and strong-willed and independent, but I also long to be cared for and loved and want, with all that I am, to share this life--my life--with a husband?

Is there a man out there who will love my kids as if they were his own, even though they won't call him, "Daddy?"

Would I be able to love someone else's kids as if they were my own, even if I didn't birth them?

Is there a man who will love me, who will make a covenant and become one with me, who will "do life" and all that it entails with me, even though my heart and my body belonged to someone else first?

And how does it all happen? How do those scars left on my heart heal? How do I navigate new relationships? How on earth to do I learn how to "date?"

How do I, when the time and the man are right, make my little family his?

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And then I stop, and I breathe, and I'm reminded that I'm not the one who makes all those miracles happen.

Thank You, Father, for redeeming and restoring my life.